she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
