I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
