I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
