I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
