I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize