Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
