the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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