Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
