i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
