she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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