i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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