I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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