I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
