I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
