just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize