we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
