Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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