no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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