Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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