One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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