I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
