Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
