The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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