Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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