One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
