oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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