I should be sponsored by Trojan
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
