I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
