I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize