i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
now i know why i became what i already was.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
