My friends, they love my intelligence
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
