From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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