I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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