fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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