she was so not down for the gang bang
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
