it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
