So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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