Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
