My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
