my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
