I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize