3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he shaved USA in his pubs
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
