What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
