did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
