You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
