I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
