I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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