Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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