This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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