i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
This house was built for laser tag.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize