Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
