he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
