There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
