If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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