Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
