i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
