My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
