you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
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