It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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