I need to stop coming to work sober
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
