Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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