if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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