Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
